On monday Stacy and I went with my parents (Stacy's parents in-law (yeah, that would make sense right?)) and Katie to Lake Havasu, Arizona. Located on the border of middle-of-nowhere and i'm-lost. Actually it's located in western Arizona, in fact, half of the lake sits in the state of California. We left early monday morning because Stacy and I actually had the same day off for a change...yeah, it was quite nice! We began our adventure with our family at around 8:45am. We were pulling out of the driveway as my mom said, "alright off we go" and my dad replied with "ok, I'll call OnStar" in which my mom responded, "WHY?" "I Don't Know, I thought it was a good idea..." "Not if we already know how to get there..." "..Ok...Can I still call OnStar??" HA. At about 8:48am the kidos in the back (by kidos in the back, I mean of course, Stacy and Katie.....ok and Ben) were getting antsy, so while we were fueling up at a gas station we made a purchase that changed the whole atmosphere of the trip, the movie Mars Attacks! For those of you who have seen this movie you know exactly what I am speaking of, for those of you who do not, I shall explain. Mars Attacks! is a movie about...yes...little green aliens with GIGANTIC brains who come to destroy the world as we know it!! Sadly but Amazingly this movie actually has a cast that is outta this world (no pun intended...ok maybe a little pun intended) Names such as:
Jack Nicholson (as two different characters!!), Glenn Close, Annette Bening, Pierce Brosnan, Danny DeVito, Martin Short, Sarah Jessica Parker, Michael J. Fox, and TOM JONES(as himself)!!!!!!!!!
I know, I know..try to contain yourself....yeah, it was hard for me to do also! And that is what makes this movie SO amazing, BECAUSE IT IS SO HORRIBLE! You know these actor knew it was a piece of poop when they read the screen play and yet they still jumped in to make it, and Thus, A Masterpiece.
So there we were, driving through some VERY ominous mountain views and as we stared out the window at those sinister peaks creeping into the sky all we heard was this strange music, that in writing I can best describe as sounding like the letter W. Kinda like...wwwWWWwwwWWWWwwwwooooo. (AT THIS TIME, PLEASE FOLLOW THE YOUTUBE LINK ATTACHED.) Okay now you have a slightly better idea of what I was just trying to describe ha! As sci-fi (strange, this seems to be a reoccurring theme here in AZ.) as the scenes may have been the pictures that they were painting were non-the-less BEAUTIFUL! Especially when we came upon the Colorado River rushing at the feet of the gargantuan mountains. It's moments like that where you feel like if you reach out your hand and your finger tips would cause a ripple in the plain between you and the vision of Heaven.
We were getting close to the lake but the heat ended up being too much for our GPS to handle so she (she because it's a woman's voice) just gave up on us and told us to go on solo. Without a single lament my dad continued by saying, "OnStar?" and that was enough to resurrect our GPS. I think she was a little insulted to be replaced so easily, because once we had finally made it to the city of Havasu and were driving towards the lake she made us take every left and right turn possible so to make the last leg of the trip as long as possible. After about the sixth weave and wind away from our objective conclusion, we turned her off and just figured if we drive towards the lake, we'll be okay. Two minutes later we arrived at the lake.
As we got close to the water we were welcomed by a very famous bridge but not for domestic reasons, it was more well know as the bridge leading into the great city of London, England. Before the bridge was brought to America by a rich entrepreneur (Robert Paxton McCulloch) in 1911-77, its stones were best known for the blood that stained them. Back in 1577, to deter treason, the English patrons would display several impaled heads, sticking up off the sides of the bridge and at the city's gate. They would dip the heads in tar so to preserve the heads for long term exhibition. Specific heads belonged to well know people such as: William Wallace, Thomas More, and Thomas Cromwell! So you can imagine our intrigue when we were crossing that very same bridge hundreds of years later. You know sometimes I wish Stacy and I could have that much money, (rich snotty accent) "Stacy my dear, I'm Bored, Perhaps I'll Buy the London Bridge and Reconstruct it in the Middle of the Desert somewhere." -Ok, maybe not.
Finally we made it to the lake and we were in search for the best tool in which to take the most advantage of this wondrous puddle. So we walked down the dirt sidewalk that followed the exterior of the lake until we came across a spate of booths renting out skidoos and boats. So of course, we checked one of them out, and then another, and then another. My dad has this strange delusion the he is Monty Hall from "Let's Make a Deal" and that when given the opportunity he can get a better deal, or just make the situation so convoluted that when he is finished, the sales person is yelling, "I JUST WANT TO STAY WITH DOOR ONE!" (FUN FACT: if you are ever given three doors to choose from, one having a great prize like a Jet Airplane and the other two have donkeys (which I think would also be a COOL prize!)one is opened to reveal one ass excuse-me donkey and you are presented with the opportunity to switch or stay, you should ALWAYS switch...you instantly trade in a 1/3 chance of being right to a 2/3 chance of being correct...and them odds, I like!) Anyways, so my dad went to one booth sent me to the next booth to do a little reconnaissance and Katie to the next, so to make sure we got THE BEST DEAL POSSIBLE. Come to find out they all charge the same...and they don't like 1960's game shows! So to the pain of my father's bargaining philosophies we rented a boat for the price on the board, but to be fair he did get us an extra hour and a wake board...so I guess he DID do prutty good.
So we headed out onto the high seas....OH YEAH.....WAIT...back it up!
I GOT STUNG BY A BEE!
HA, YEEEAH I KNOW, LAME. So we were standing at one of the boat booths and talking to the man about how cheep we could get a boat for the most hours possible when I heard, and felt, this buzzing inside my shirt. Anxious, I realized it was a BEE! Calmly, I lifted the sleeve of my shirt to let it fly out.
Anxious Calmly Raced to Pang. The little bugger STUNG ME! So I was super excited about this omen presented over my day! Stacy was a really good nurse though, with a little kiss to my arm instant healing fell over my body; I swear, She is not Human...I honestly believe she is an Angel..My Angel.
There I was, sitting behind the boat my board perpendicular to the watercraft waiting for the throttle to be kicked into gear. First attempt, I move my board into position, keeping my tips up, then I slowly sank strait into the water. Second attempt, again up on the board, standing in accordance to the physical laws of the sport, and again sank faster than a chicago mobster with bricks tied to his ankles. I yelled up to my dad, "Hey, go faster!" he yelled back, "Um that's almost full throttle!" I then replied, "So go full throttle!" HA! Third attempt, my arms were yanked out of their sockets as I shot up to my feet and skimmed across the top of the water almost as if I were not even touching the surface. The boat was so old and SO awful that literally a millimeter was all that separated the boat from being a sloth, like an actually sloth (the animal), or from being Sloth, the character for the movie The Goonies. It was either this creature that had no aspirations or consideration to use more energy than it had to, or it was this beast that had no self control at all using raw power to propel me through the water with such force as to taunt my ability to stay on my feet for more than 30 seconds. As long as you were tethered behind Sloth you wanted to do your best not to fall because if you had the unfortunate opportunity to experience your foredooming death it would have come on your back...while skipping across the waves of the lake...at 70 miles an hour. The oman of the Bee visited when I fell for the first time and realized the water we were skimming over was only 3 feet deep, SERIOUSLY, and I slammed into the solid bottom straight on my head. I came up saying, "Uuuuuh ooooohh uuuuuuh rrrrrrmmmmrmr" (those are pain groans.) I then climbed into the boat and gave someone else the chance to see a glimpse of the afterlife.
The trip really wasn't bad at all actually, I'm just over dramatizing it for the sake of the blog. We had a GREAT time! Stacy, Katie and I tubed a lot. My dad like a REEEETARD jumped behind the Sloth waring water skis and wouldn't get out of the water until I took him for a ride or two. I hear what your thinking, AND I AGREE, OF COURSE THAT WAS A BAD IDEA! But he seemed to enjoy it even though he might have regretted it afterwards. On our approach to the boat ramp to drop off the boat we all fell forward as the boat came to a sudden stop and we heard what sounded like a can of green beans going through the garbage disposal. The trim got into a fight with some rocks and the rocks won. We were freaking out as we were getting pulled out of the water and the man looked at the propeller and saw that it looked like an alligator came and bit a chunk out of the metal, sadly there were no alligators in this lake that we could blame. The man looked at the trim then looked at us then back at the trim, my dad was in a cold sweat knowing that the sucker cost $800 dollars to replace as they made us so aware at the beginning of the trip. The man then proceeded to say, "Hey Jason (his partner) come over hear at take a look at what we didn't see here today." Jason looked and said, "D*** that blade really got chewed up! No worries sir we'll go ahead a change that out before we get back to the boat house." We were relived to find out the two men who took us out that day were the chief mechanics of the boats and were two men we had really befriended earlier, so they went ahead and fixed the problem for us so not to keep us sweating.
Needless to say it was an eventful trip. As we pulled off into the sunset my dad said, "Onstar?" My mom quickly replied, "Please!" and we were off for a quiet ride home.